The waiting is the hardest part
My brain at rest seems to have a sense of humor, because I’ve had the Tom Petty song running through my head all day (alternating with “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing” and “Moon River”). My mother is unbelievably strong and tenacious, and every time we–and the doctor–think it might be her last few minutes, she surprises us with a renewed surge of energy. The family has spent the past day and a half massaging her feet, praying over her head, reading to her and sharing funny memories. I’ve lost grandparents and cousins, but this is the first real loss to touch me, and I find myself dealing with it strange ways. Some moments, I pray for her to be taken immediately, right this very second, so that she might stop feeling pain. At other times, I just hope she’ll keep fighting and straining and surprise all the doctors by pulling out a miraculous recovery. I cry when a cousin tells me a silly story, yet I am the only dry-eyed person in the room while everyone else erupts in a simultaneous storm of tears and loud prayers. One thing is for certain: all the notions I had of death from glossy, beautifully-scored movies (Little Women springs to mind) are flat-out BS. Staring nobly into space as the wind blows while the patient reassures the family that they’re happy to go, takes a soft gasp, and then quietly passes? That certainly isn’t the case here. My mother is shriveled, sunken, literally flaking and crumbling to pieces, and absolutely determined to stick it out. It’s not what I expected, but then, neither was losing her so soon.
Tags: Mama Jolie
14 Responses to “The waiting is the hardest part”
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December 14th, 2008 at 9:34 pm
Nadine,
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Sincerely,
Jocelyn
December 14th, 2008 at 9:55 pm
Nadine,
You and your family are in my thoughts during this tough time. My mother passed away last year from breast cancer at only 49 so I definitely know how it feels to lose a parent at such a young age(I was only 20). I relate with all of the emotions you are going through right now. As I sat in the hospital room with my mom listening to family pray she would hang on for another day, I wanted nothing more for her to be taken from her pain, and when she finally did go I felt a strange calmness and knew that she really was in a better place and wasn’t suffering. I know these words don’t mean much, but there will come a day where it gets a little easier, and you will feel better. But until then, hang in there and enjoy your last few moments with your mom for as long as you can.
December 14th, 2008 at 9:59 pm
reading this post made me think of all of the feelings, stuggles and unbelief i also had as i watched my dad experience the same thing. it’s not easy losing a parent, but always remember your mom loves you! and you’ll always have that even if she’s no longer physically with you. you are in my thoughts and prayers, sweetie!
xo
December 14th, 2008 at 11:34 pm
It’s been 22 years since my Mom died of Cancer at 40, and, although I’ll never forget her, I’ll never forget what it was like to have to watch her leave us. Luckily, the good memories far outweigh the horror of how Cancer took her over.
I blogged about the anniversary of my Mom’s death just last week, if you would like to check it out.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
December 15th, 2008 at 7:03 am
I’m so sorry, Jolie. That must be so incredibly difficult. My thoughts are with you, your mother, and your family. Hang in there.
December 15th, 2008 at 7:15 am
Ugh, I cant even begin to say how incredibly sorry I am! Your mom is so lucky to have such an amazing daughter, especially one that can be there for her and be strong through this difficult time. My mother passed away recently, completely unexpected and its terrible in so many ways, we are too young to loose our mothers! Stay strong and keep your family and friends close by, they will help you get through this. xoxo
December 15th, 2008 at 10:27 am
Nadine,
I’ll be thinking of you and will add your mama to my own holiday prayers.
December 15th, 2008 at 10:30 am
Sending you strength and prayers and the peace that only God can give you. I was in tears for you when I read this post. I am grieving with you.
Jennifer
December 15th, 2008 at 10:41 am
Hi Nadine, I’m so sorry for your loss. Wishing you peace and strength. Allah Yerhemha!
December 15th, 2008 at 10:49 am
I’m so sorry, Nadine.
December 15th, 2008 at 11:00 am
I’m sending you a big hug.
December 15th, 2008 at 2:03 pm
I am so very sorry for what you are going through. You are in my prayers.
December 15th, 2008 at 3:43 pm
oh jolie,
i know. i know. i know. ((hugs)) how you are feeling. we went thru ‘the waiting vigil’ w/ my dad during the Christmas season several years ago. My heartfelt prayers are with you and your family during this difficult time. god bless you.
December 15th, 2008 at 5:56 pm
Dear Jolie,
my heart goes out to you. I am very sorry for your loss…