When I opened up to you guys yesterday about my latest blogging existential crisis, I couldn’t have imagined feeling so gratified by the responses. Several other beauty bloggers who have been in the game for years chimed in on Facebook, and it was incredibly heartening to realize that I’m not alone in those occasional feelings of doubt, inadequacy, and frustration. I received a few emails from readers, too, and I just want you all to know that I appreciate you SO much. It’s these conversations and connections that remind me why I write.
NADINE JOLIE PERSONAL
You know those times when you’re so frustrated you feel like you could pull your hair out, and all you want to do is throw a pillow across the room, slam a door, and stomp on the ground?
Yeah. That’s how I feel about now.
Every few years, I go through a existential blog crisis, wondering what my next step is going to be and trying to take stock of it all. For various reasons that I can’t go into–and the not-being-able-to-go-into-it-yet aspect is KILLING ME–I’ve felt much less angsty these past several months. Life has been very good, I’ve been working on a few different projects that will be unveiled soon-ish, and I am beside myself with excitement over finally being able to reveal them to you.
But I’m sure you’ve noticed that I haven’t been blogging as much recently–and when I have, it’s much more surface. Which I hate. Which makes me frustrated. Which makes me miss the old days when I was one of the only games in town and there weren’t five billion blogs–beauty or otherwise–to choose from.
How do you distinguish yourself when you’re drowning in a sea of people younger; more energetic; more social-media-inclined; more makeup-swatch-obsessed; more in tune with pop culture (my confusion over Beyoncé-worship makes me feel like a pariah screaming at kids to get off my lawn); more willing to devote their lives to endless events and networking and profile curating and image-management and spinning on the hamster wheel of “This is the facade I choose to present to the world, even though it’s not real”?
When your personal life is flourishing, but for some reason it’s just not translating into your writing, what do you do?
In truth, I think I’m suffering from run-of-the-mill writer’s block (blogger’s block?), which is a shade ironic seeing as I’m working fast and furiously on my next book and am zipping right along with that. But this here blog is almost 10 years old, and every once in a while I feel like Norma Desmond, muttering about how I AM big, it’s the internet that got small.
Sometimes I worry that my best professional years are behind me, and that I’m never going to be as prolific, popular or creative as I was in my 20s. I worry that writing about mascara launches and skincare how to’s and Kate Middleton’s latest triumph simply isn’t enough for me–that my voice is shriveling and wasting away, 140 characters at a time.
I know tomorrow or the next day, I’ll be back to my regularly scheduled programming and all will be well. One of my most valued personal traits is resilience; I’m usually pretty good at picking myself up and dusting myself off, no matter how bad the scrape.
But I miss talking to you guys truthfully, and I just wanted to let you into my current headspace for a second. I really miss having you all in residence there. Soon again, I hope.
I know you’re supposed to zone out and relax during massages, but they’ve historically been when my mind revs up and I’ve done some of my best thinking. Today, during my birthday massage at La Prairie, I took stock of the past year and marveled at how much of my life has changed for the better.
One year ago today, I’d just flown back from New Zealand, where I was enjoying my Summer of Jolie Fake Honeymoon 2012. As I started 2013, I decided to forget about guys for a while and date my friends, instead. I wondered if I was even the marrying type, not imagining that I’d ever meet a guy ready for alllll this (mental) jelly.
And then BAM: I met E. Almost instantly, my life changed. Three months later, we were engaged.
Our wedding date is three months from today.
The wedding planning has begun!
When we got engaged, E. and I decided that we didn’t want a complex wedding. We wanted something elegant, we wanted something small, and neither of us had the time (or the expertise!) to bring our hopes and vision to life.
It was quickly decided that we needed a wedding planner. I mean, this stuff is a full-time job.
Enter Merryl Brown Events.
This weekend was not only an excuse to hang with Papa Jolie and to introduce E. to various members of my family, but also to attend my 15 year high school reunion.
I was emphatically not popular in high school, so even though I’m older, wiser, cooler, cuter, what have you, I entered that reunion reception and I IMMEDIATELY felt like a dorky 14 year old with bad skin.
High school insecurities never really leave you, huh?