Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie at the Salt premiere (Mayer/WireImage)

They’re baaaack!

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt hit the red carpet yesterday for the Salt premiere at Grauman’s Chinese Theater in Hollywood.  (What do you know?  I drove right by there and had no clue it was going on!)

Angie’s in Armani and Brad’s in Tom Ford. (Meanwhile, my ego’s in shambles knowing there is no level of makeup, plastic surgery or Satanic dealing that would allow me to approach even half of Angelina Jolie’s hotness.)

I do wish Brad would take off those sunglasses so we could all see more of his pretty face, but at least he shaved the goat beard.

Small victories, you know?

There will never be a handsomer man than Brad Pitt in Legends of the Fall.

You can have your Johnny Depp, your George Clooney, your Zac Efron, your (eyeroll) Justin Bieber.

All I want is Tristan.

That flowing hair, those pouty lips, that mischievous smile (oh my God, that smile!)…pure female Viagra.

Lest you wonder why the sudden Brad Pitt love, Legends of the Fall is on my TV, and I had to stop everything to watch Brad get on with his bad self.  [Important note: Brad Pitt's sexiness in Legends of the Fall is confined only to the time before he goes all crazy, grows a dirty beard, and then starts scalping people and cutting out hearts.]

Brad Pitt’s not your thing?  A little stroll down memory lane–A River Runs Through It!  Meet Joe Black!  Vanity Fair magazine!–to jog your memory and remind you of the legend in his prime…

Brad Pitt looking smoldering, but probably just stoned.

Brad Pitt in Vanity Fair magazine

Brad Pitt in A River Runs Through It

Brad Pitt in Meet Joe Black

I was somewhat nonplussed to see that People magazine named Johnny Depp the Sexiest Man Alive.  (1987?  He wuz robbed.  2003?  Fine, he deserved that one.  But 2009?  Somewhere, his publicist must be working overtime.)

But then I thought about it some more…looked into Johnny’s warm brown eyes…remembered the way he gazed at Juliette Binoche in Chocolat…the twinkle of Captain Jack Sparrow’s rotting gold tooth as he staggered around (okay, maybe not quite that one).  I do like the fact that he’s a man, not a boy, since puberty is never sexy.  And, like fine wine or a slab of prime beef, Johnny is aging rather nicely.

Johnny is only the 3rd man to win the honor twice, after Brad Pitt and George Clooney.  The fact that Johnny was named SMA when he also happens to have a huge movie coming out in a few weeks (Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland) is entirely a coincidence, I’m sure…

What say you?  Who would have been your vote for Sexiest Man Alive?

Gilles Marini doesn’t always wet my whistle, but I would like to submit Exhibit A, below, for your consideration:

Not too shabby, right?  And for your viewing pleasure, a retrospective of some past Sexiest covers.  Let’s take a trip down memory lane… (more…)

Jolie is nursing the mother of all hangovers today!  After meeting a dear producer friend for drinks in Santa Monica at classic local haunt Chez Jay, I briefly stopped by a friend’s party in Marina del Rey, then went to the Beverly Hills Hotel for the real action!  The Beverly Hills Hotel plays host to the annual Night of 100 Stars party, and a friend of mine somehow got us in at the last minute, albeit as the party was beginning to wind down.  (We don’t reveal our secrets…but Jedi mind tricks do seem to work remarkably well…)  When I was coming out of the bathroom, I nearly ran smack-dab into Gary Busey, who is…erm…interesting.

Later, on the patio, I was sitting at a table overlooking the gardens and drinking champagne (it all sounds so tragically glamorous, doesn’t it?) when I suddenly realized that the man I’d been sitting next to for the past hour was not only a famous producer and the son of agent Norby Walters, who hosts the Night of 100 Stars party, but that I had literally slept in his bed before!  (Before you go getting ideas, his old roommate is my friend, and I’d crashed in his empty bedroom before while in New York City.)  He then realized who I was, and told me he has my book and refers to it often.  It was a fun, surreal moment.  I spent the last hour of the evening talking shop with writer/actor Michael Boatman, from Spin City, and am now excited to check out his latest book.  He, meanwhile, recognized me from my Bare Minerals commercials — another Wowza moment.

If Milk had won Best Picture, I think it would have been an absolutely perfect night, but I’m happy that Sean Penn was recognized for his work, and that the sublime Kate Winslet finally won.  Some of my favorite photos below, and for gossip from inside the Vanity Fair Party at the Sunset Towers Hotel (as always, the hottest ticket in town), check out the Vanity Fair Twitter, here.

Taraji P. Henson in Roberto Cavalli

Madonna at Vanity Fair party at the Sunset Towers hotel

Saint Brangelina

Hilarious editing during Jennifer Aniston’s on-stage moment.  As the producers kept cutting between Jen and Angelina, the women near me were clucking about how wooden Jennifer seemed and how terrified she obviously was at being mere feet from Angie.  A man with them laughed and said, “Dude, I think you guys are projecting.  Jennifer Aniston doesn’t give a damn.”

Sean and Robin Wright Penn; if you haven’t seen Milk yet, run, don’t walk

Wonder what Teddy C. will have to say about Reese Witherspoon (looking fresh and fun!) and Jake Gyllenhaal…

I can’t wait to see 17 Again with Zac Efron (yes, I am a 12 year old girl), and I think Vanessa Hudgens looks pretty damn cute here…but something about these two does not sit right with me at all.  Jolie no likey.

Have you ever noticed that Diane Lane has the same less-than-super-flattering curly updo at every single awards show?  (And yet, she is still Goddess Divine gorgeous.  Love her.)

Meryl Streep: in a league of her own, and showing the kiddies what true class, beauty and talent is (oh, and what a woman’s face should actually look like free of fillers and away from knives!)

All photos from US Magazine

Oh my God, a boob!  Avert your eyes!!

So, here we have an intimate peek at Angelina Jolie breastfeeding one of the twins, in a photo taken by Brad Pitt.  It’s all so cozy and cutesy that I would want to throw knives at my computer…if it weren’t a genuinely beautiful shot.  (I mean, c’mon.  What sort of genetic deal did this chick strike with God?)  In all seriousness, I think it’s wonderful to see motherhood and the human body–okay, and St. Angelina–celebrated so.

Somewhere in Malibu, the equally lovely Jennifer Aniston weeps, then chain-smokes three packs of Merits.

I’m sorry, but how gorgeous is Angelina Jolie?  She and Brad Pitt made yet another appearance on the red carpet at the Cannes Film Festival today, this time for the premiere of her new Clint Eastwood-directed movie Changeling.  She’s as big as a semi, but pregnancy seriously becomes her.  (And Brad’s not looking bad, either!)

Photo from People.com