There will never be a handsomer man than Brad Pitt in Legends of the Fall.

You can have your Johnny Depp, your George Clooney, your Zac Efron, your (eyeroll) Justin Bieber.

All I want is Tristan.

That flowing hair, those pouty lips, that mischievous smile (oh my God, that smile!)…pure female Viagra.

Lest you wonder why the sudden Brad Pitt love, Legends of the Fall is on my TV, and I had to stop everything to watch Brad get on with his bad self.  [Important note: Brad Pitt's sexiness in Legends of the Fall is confined only to the time before he goes all crazy, grows a dirty beard, and then starts scalping people and cutting out hearts.]

Brad Pitt’s not your thing?  A little stroll down memory lane–A River Runs Through It!  Meet Joe Black!  Vanity Fair magazine!–to jog your memory and remind you of the legend in his prime…

Brad Pitt looking smoldering, but probably just stoned.

Brad Pitt in Vanity Fair magazine

Brad Pitt in A River Runs Through It

Brad Pitt in Meet Joe Black

I was somewhat nonplussed to see that People magazine named Johnny Depp the Sexiest Man Alive.  (1987?  He wuz robbed.  2003?  Fine, he deserved that one.  But 2009?  Somewhere, his publicist must be working overtime.)

But then I thought about it some more…looked into Johnny’s warm brown eyes…remembered the way he gazed at Juliette Binoche in Chocolat…the twinkle of Captain Jack Sparrow’s rotting gold tooth as he staggered around (okay, maybe not quite that one).  I do like the fact that he’s a man, not a boy, since puberty is never sexy.  And, like fine wine or a slab of prime beef, Johnny is aging rather nicely.

Johnny is only the 3rd man to win the honor twice, after Brad Pitt and George Clooney.  The fact that Johnny was named SMA when he also happens to have a huge movie coming out in a few weeks (Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland) is entirely a coincidence, I’m sure…

What say you?  Who would have been your vote for Sexiest Man Alive?

Gilles Marini doesn’t always wet my whistle, but I would like to submit Exhibit A, below, for your consideration:

Not too shabby, right?  And for your viewing pleasure, a retrospective of some past Sexiest covers.  Let’s take a trip down memory lane… (more…)

Hugh Jackman is, indeed, pretty damn sexy, but the Sexiest?  Alive?  (Shrug.)  Okay, why not?

One thing I’ve learned about celebrities while living in LA is that even the hottest ones are often…just…cute…in person.  Ryan Reynolds?  Josh Hartnett?  Gerard Butler?  Jake Gyllenhaal?  Attractive, all…but nobody I’d faint over were they not famous. 

Many of the biggest sex symbols are, in fact, strangely bland-looking in person (like Ken dolls–pretty, but so what?), as what tends to work on screen or in photos is the absence of notable features.  The more 100% normal-looking–the most perfectly normal specimen ever, if you will–the better.  This is Jolie’s completely unscientific observation.  (And yet, the most attractive man I’ve ever seen in person is Tom Welling, from Smallville, so do with that what you will.)

The notable exceptions tend to be the “pretty” boys that have delicate features: Zac Efron, David Beckham, Ed Westwick–all remarkably attractive in person, and not just because of their faces.  At the end of the day, of course, “sexy” is not just looks but that elusive je ne sais quoi that makes you want to…well…you know! 

No current “sexy” list would be complete without Robert Pattinson.  I feel a tiny bit sorry for this boy; he seems absolutely befuddled by all the attention.  I’m sure the buckets of money and loose women will help ease his shyness.